#28: Buy a rap song on iTunes (and listen to it). and BTP shoutout

What the heck is a "shawty"?

#28: Buy a rap song on iTunes (and listen to it).

So it is widely known that I don't really care for rap music. If every other word is an F-bomb, if the lyrics have no meaning, and if I can't understand a word that's being said, how am I supposed to enjoy the song? Every mixer and semi-formal these days is basically 50-75% rap music, so I've had no choice but to endure the painful bass drum and synthesizer combos, ridiculous auto-tune, and hateful, raunchy lyrics. I have never stooped to the level of paying $1 for a rap song though. That is, until now.

Eminem (one of the very few rap artists I actually have respect for) released his new album "Recovery" a few weeks back and I decided that because he was much better at putting meaning behind the words and making beats that actually were catchy, I'd give the best song on the album a shot. I was disheartened at first because the single he released before the album, "Not Afraid", was terrible in my opinion. I listened to it on YouTube before wasting money on it and didn't like it one bit. I began to think maybe I'd never be able to find a rap song I could endure more than once.

When the album came out, things changed. The song that shot up the iTunes charts was "Love the Way you Lie", a duet between Eminem and Rihanna about abuse (cough cough Chris Brown cough). Not only could I endure it, I really liked it! Sure, there is a fair amount of swearing and bass drum, but the lyrics are kind of like a poem with a much deeper meaning than just "I'mma get laid" (what up, Lil Wayne?).

Since then, it has become a staple on my On-the-Go playlist and one of my favorite songs this summer. I am open now in the future to possibly getting some other rap songs to listen to, but I just have to be selective. You know me, super picky.
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So while I'm busy with my list, a few of my friends are working on their own. Three of my friends (Marissa A, Marissa G and Anne Marie) and one of their friends have teamed up to work on their own goal of trying to get the guys from the Nickelodeon show (Wes' favorite and my guilty pleasure) Big Time Rush to go to their senior prom with them. They have opened a YouTube channel and are doing weekly skits, music videos, and much more to convince them to come with them. As part of my unwritten goals along with my list is helping people with their own lists, I have decided to plug them on here. I know that as of now they and myself are the only ones reading this blog, but my hope is that once Mom sees and approves the blog, I can open it up to more of my friends and then the girls can get some extra publicity!

Visit their YouTube channel at this link: Big Time Prom

Oh, and in case you thought it was a joke or something, it's not. Kendall (one of the four BTR guys) has already subscribed to them and is no doubt sharing their awesomeness with the other three guys. So yeah, there's a chance.

#31: Become a minister online.

Call me Sir Nathan, Master of Wicca.

#31: Become a minister online.

Let me preface this post by saying that I am a happy, proud Catholic man. With all the endless issues I've faced, there's no way I would have made it through without some kind of faith. I fully understand this goal to be solely for FUN, and nothing else. I know I have no true religious power, but I like the idea that I am now able to marry Dora and Boots if the opportunity presents itself. Moving on...

When summer started and I was still violently ill, my optimism went on a bit of a decline. Aunt Leah caught this and decided she wanted to help cheer me up. We vowed that we'd make the rest of the summer great. She wanted to find a big goal on this list and cross it off. I didn't have many big goals at that time... Up until June, the list was a little bleak and then I went through and changed a number of goals. One of the goals I changed was #31, which went from being "Walk up a down escalator." to this goal I am now writing about, and 100% of the credit for the idea goes to Aunt Leah. She said her friend Nolan had done it a few years ago for fun and that she thought it'd be a neat and fun one for us to accomplish.

A few weeks later, we finally went on to the website for the Universal Life Church (the online ministry in charge of these fake ordinations). As a minister of the ULC, I am not allowed to trash talk it, so I will simply state facts and allow you to poke fun at it yourself.

1. The ULC will ordain literally anyone of any faith so long as they have a valid e-mail account.
2. The ULC allows you to name your own title for a nominal fee; suggested titles include "Pope", "Child of the Universe", "Minister of Rock 'n Roll" (or "Rock Doctor") and "Master of Wicca".
3. The ULC policy states any ceremony performed by a ULC minister will not be legally valid unless the minister has [aka has bought] their certificate of ordination, minister identification card, and letter of recommendation from the leader of the ULC.

Aunt Leah and I must have spent hours babbling like hyenas on laughing gas over some of the things on the site. Finally, we had me ordained and ordered a book of ceremonies that I could use to officiate unlawful marriages. [Oh yeah, I'm bad! No, I just didn't want to pay them $30 to be validated as a minister.]

We got the book in the mail a few weeks later. Right around that time, John, Mom and I went to cross something off of both of their lists, which was to get some fish and plants to fill his fish tank. Mom picked out two small glowfish (members of the goldfish family who were genetically altered during the gestation period to include jellyfish DNA that makes them both neon-colored and incredibly hyperactive) that she named after her first two imaginary hens, Henny Penny (reddish-orange) and Hurdy Gurdy (orangey-yellow). Both are still happily alive and well as I write this. John picked out a few plants that he liked, although he declined to name them. Unfortunately, they also came with a few snails that Mom and I have decided are John's pets. (He still refuses to name them, though, and has threatened on several occasions to evict them from the aquarium should they continue to eat his beloved seaweeds.) He picked out a small frog for Ashley, that she named Oliver (against her father's wishes, as he insisted it be called Kermit). I got three Black Molly fish, which are these really pretty black fish that are almost velvet looking and love to nibble on your finger if you dip it in the water. The problem with mine is/was that they all look pretty much exactly the same, so it is/was difficult to tell them apart. We ended up choosing one distinguishing feature from each fish to help identify them. I named them each after a Jersey Shore castmember. The one with the black rectangle on the end of his tail is "The Situation", the one with a white dot on his forehead is "Pauly D", and the short plump one with a white spot under her right eye is, of course, "Snooki".

After a while, Mom felt guilty that she had only gotten two of the four hen-fish that she loved so dearly. (It's been a running joke that Mom has always wanted hens simply because she keeps finding fun names for them. Henny Penny, after the childrens' tale, Hurdy Gurdy, after the strange accordionlike instrument, Tallulah Bankhead, after the Hitchcockian actress who also happened to be a heavy smoker, and Jackie Jormp-Jomp, after the episode of 30Rock where the character Jenna is denied the rights to Janis Joplin's life story for a biopic and invents a "totally unrelated" film character named Jackie Jormp-Jomp.) As a result, she had no choice but to go back to PetSmart and buy two more fish. This time, she went to the one in Bel Air instead to see if they had any different kinds of fish, She said the tanks were much dirtier and the fish were not as healthy, but she still felt she needed to get her last two so she picked two guppies, a yellow one and a blue one, and named them respectively Tallulah Bankhead and Jackie Jormp-Jomp. Five minutes later, Jackie passed away at the age of five minutes.

This looks like a job for the newly ordained minister of the family! After smuggling the dead fish into Aunt Leah's house and out onto her back porch, Mom decided to have a funeral and memorial service for beloved Jackie. I pulled out my handy-dandy minister's manual and performed a beautiful ceremony that closed with me rejoining the soul of Jackie with her (actually, his, but shh don't tell anyone) beloved creator. My first [un]official ceremony!

Several days later, Tallulah passed away in her sleep. She was several days old.

We then proceeded to go back to our original, trustworthy PetSmart to get a new blue guppy and a green glowfish to give Henny and Hurdy a pal. We decided not to replace Tallulah as she was a heavy smoker anyway and her emphysema would've killed her no matter how many times we reincarnated her. We named the blue one Jackie Jormp-Jomp Junior and allowed John to call the green guy Kermit as he never got to name the frog Kermit.

A few weeks later, Jackie Jormp-Jomp Junior committed suicide from her loneliness as she didn't have any friends in the tank. Kermit had a heart-attack from swimming so fast and then died of shock when he forgot where he was. I was not invited back to perform their funeral services. We're back to the original five fish and little Oliver. Oh, well! Alex and Wes' fish are hanging on by a thread so I'm sure my funeral expertise will be put to good use again before I can say "Jackie Jormp-Jomp Junior jumped!"

(And I hear wedding bells in Dora's future! Hint, hint Diego and Boots! Fight over her amongst yourselves.)

To get ordained online or see the "wonderful" spiritual titles available for your purchase, please visit: www.themonastery.org

#18: Eat at a Sonic.

Sonic's got it, others don't.

#18: Eat at a Sonic.

For those who have never heard of Sonic, it is the nation's only chain of drive-in-only, eat-in-your-car restaurants. Anytime you sit down to watch TV in the Philly area, you are bound to see at least one commercial for one of their $1 mini-entree specials or their world-famous fruit smoothies. And yet, I have never ever seen one in person. You'd think from the number of ads that they would be springing up left and right, but honestly I've never passed one that I can remember, let alone eaten at one. Granted, it could have been that I just wasn't looking for them.


On our way home from the beach, Mom and I decided we were in the mood for Sonic-type food. We called Pop-Pop back at the house to look up the closest one to Rehoboth. He called us back with a number to call to find nearby Sonics. Mom was aggravated by this, but we were desperate for Sonic, so we did whatever we had to do.

Eventually, we passed a sign that said "Sonic: next exit", so we took a detour to cross one more off the list. Not knowing how it worked, we parked our car, got out and walked over to the drive-in station to view the menu. We then realized the error of our ways, hopped back in tbe car and pulled into the drive in space. Mom ordered a corn dog and a strawberry lemonade smoothie while I had chicken nuggets with ranch dressing and honey mustard plus a grape smoothie. Within (no exaggeration) three minutes, out food was brought to our car by a nice Sonic employee wearing roller skates. (How cool is that?! When was the last time you got your Big Mac on a skateboard? I think NEVER!)

And it was DEEEEEEEELICIOUS.

Honestly, it was worth the extra five minutes out of the way and the number of carbs it was worth (Mom's point, not mine... I need all the carbs I can get =P). I would absolutely go back to a Sonic. If I could find one... oh, well! At least I found ONE!

#15: Try PB&J.

Note: I'm writing this post from a hospital bed, so I apologize if my writing is not up to par...)

A 2002 survey showed the average American will have eaten 1,500 of these sandwiches before graduating from high school. I will have eaten one.


#15: Try PB & J.

Let me start with a little backstory. When I was a child, I was told I had to avoid all things peanutty as my dad was deathly allergic to peanuts. Many people think that means I was a deprived child, denied the joys of Peanut M&Ms, Nutella, NutterButters, Snickers, peanut butter crackers, peanut butter and banana toast, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (the #1 selling candy in America, as I learned while completing my 83rd goal at the Hershey Factory), and most importantly, PB&J sandwiches.

I was just raised to have a distaste in peanut products. I haven't known any other way. In recent years, I have finally been given permission to eat peanut products, but I've just had no interest in even trying it. I realized though that I have to be missing something if so many people eat one every day and rave about it. Plus, I love jelly!

At the beach, I told Aunt Amy about this little experiment I'm doing and she insisted that I read her the list. When it came to this goal, she told me she had never tried a PB&J sandwich either, but for the opposite reason of myself: she has a soft spot for peanut butter but hates jelly! She thinks the texture and consistency are weird. I will admit, jelly is a little difficult to spread, but come on... it's fruit and sugar! (I mean, really, how do you enjoy a semi-solid spread made out of crushed legumes more than a sweet, sugary, fruity concoction???) Anyways, she said she would happily help me to cross this goal off my list before the end of the week if I would let her and, timid as I was, I agreed. It calmed me to know I'd have a partner in this new experience.

When we went grocery shopping, Mom picked up a small jar of grape jelly and a small jar of Jif smooth peanut butter. Aunt Amy and I reached an agreement that we would each get to spread one piece of bread with the ingredient we didn't like, that way we were fair with the amount of nasty we each had to endure. That doesn't mean we were unfair and put one little drip of each, but we didnt cake it on either to make each other gag.

On the morning before Mom and I left the beach (we had something the next day so we had to leave early), Aunt Amy and I agreed to have the sandwich with breakfast. We each got a big glass of water to wash it down afterward. We took some pics of each of us with the ingredients. I spread a fair share of peanut butter on one slice of whole white bread and Aunt Amy (still somewhat cautious) put a modest amount on the other. We pressed them together, cut it in half, and counted to three...

One... two... three... *munchmunchmunch*

Before I start talking about my feelings on the sandwich, let me just say you must recognize that I already resented peanut butter without even tasting it, but I tried to be unbiased. I gave it a shot. That said, while I fully expected it to be terrible, it turned out not to be quite as bad as I had gone into it expecting. That is... not QUITE as bad. I still have trouble understanding why kids would request this for lunch every day. Not just this, but this in a warm, mildewy brown paper bag. I don't know; my best hypothesis would be that parents force their children to eat it since it's so easy to make, but I honestly couldn't even finish my half for breakfast, let alone eat one or two for lunch every day for the entirety of my high school career. It made me appreciate Mrs. Kalivas' cooking even more than I already do!

Aunt Amy said it wasn't half bad and that she'd give jelly a try in the future. I might try some other peanut products in the future, but I highly doubt I'd ever enjoy them very much. No matter, I still accomplished it. I have to thank Aunt Amy for being a part of this... I hardly ever see her so it means a lot to say she helped me with a part of my list, and I csn't think of anyone I'd rather have eaten my first PB&J with. Other than maybe PB&J Otter, but they got cancelled.

So, there you have it. I am no longer a PB&J virgin. But I think I'll be taking a vow of PB&J celibacy now. =)

Watch the video all the way til the end, when Uncle Marty makes a short but funny and notable cameo...